My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
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And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
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I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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