there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
