I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Sex in the backyard? Check.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
