I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
