Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
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One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
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I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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