I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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