Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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