Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
