I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
