god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
