yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
