i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i want to swaddle you in tequila
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I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
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Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.