Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
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nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
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I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.