Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
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Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
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The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door