i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
