tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Boobs speak an international language.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
