i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
