dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
