Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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