I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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