I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
