apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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