I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
