Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
