The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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