he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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