Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
