I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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