I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
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I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
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I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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