do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
