apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
