I heard we made out
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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