And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
