moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
