saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
