well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
