PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed