Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
