Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
