Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
