You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
