Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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