I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
