i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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