it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
