i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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