I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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