I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
