You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
