So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
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I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
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He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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