my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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