I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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