my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
