Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
