no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
