Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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